How To Woo Your Peri Valentine and Bring Back the Love to Midlife Relationships

Perimenopause

You may already have learned to be afraid of perimenopause: the rages, the forgetfulness, and the heat (but not the good kind), but with a little understanding and kindness you can woo your peri Valentine’s heart this year. First some information, then the low-down on what to do and what to avoid.

What is perimenopause?

Like a second puberty, perimenopause is the time before periods end when symptoms are being experienced. It’s a time when your partner will be more sensitive in all sorts of ways: to stress, alcohol, sugar, emotions, and even noise! Commonly there will be some changes to their menstrual cycle, making it longer or shorter, heavier or lighter, along with some mood changes and hot flushes.

Perimenopause might start as early as 30 for South East Asian heritage, 32 for Caribbean and South Asian heritage, and 35 for Caucasians. The symptoms are caused by fluctuations between oestrogen and progesterone. There can be many different symptoms, so there is no ‘normal’, everyone is unique, has a different experience and finds different solutions. For about 25%, the symptoms are mild, some barely notice it at all, and around 75% have moderate to severe symptoms.

Perimenopause is also a psychological upgrade. Think of her teens as Spring, 20s-30’s as Summery where she is expansive and increasingly confident. Perimenopause in an Autumnal and Wintery process where we look inward, when there is a need for reflection, rest and letting go before moving onto a more fulfilling, creative time of life, the postmenopausal Second Spring.

Menopause is a year after the last period, and after that there is postmenopause. Strictly speaking, menopause is just a moment! In postmenopause, after a while, the hormones settle down again and it is a quieter, calmer time of life. Research shows that across all genders, cultures and race, happiness climbs until 70s and least happy in their 40s, so there are good times ahead!

How to woo your sweetheart

  1. Ask ‘What do you need me to do for you?’
  2. Take on more of the domestic load and caring duties.
  3. See her beauty, and tell her she is more beautiful than ever.
  4. Compliment her.
  5. Tell her how grateful you are to have her in your life, and why.
  6. Make nourishing food (she needs 30 or more kinds of fruit and vegetables a week).
  7. Allow your partner loads of rest, she’s going to need tons more than before.
  8. Buy her noise-cancelling headphones, ear plugs that reduce sound, and a fancy sleep mask.
  9. Have healthy protein snacks like nuts and seeds stashed at home and when you go out, to keep blood sugar level.
  10. Avoid bringing food into the house that will exacerbate her symptoms, like hyper-processed products, sugary food, and alcohol.
  11. Model healthy boundaries with your phone, for yourself and for her too.
  12. Find ways of exercising together that are fun: walks, kitchen dancing, etc.
  13. Find ways of cultivating your inner lives: share your dreams in the morning, practice Yoga Nidra, or meditate together.
  14. Find mates with partners of the same age where you can safely share your feelings and experiences.
  15. Accept that you are in a longer, slower process of hormonal change too, she’s just doing it faster and more intensely than you!

What to avoid

  1. Avoid trying to solve her issues by making suggestions to ‘fix her’. This includes sharing what other people have done or not done in their perimenopause. If in doubt, you can ask: ‘Do you need me to hold space and witness your experience or are you asking me for my advice?’
  2. Keep an eye out for falling into misogynistic beliefs about women’s bodies being unstable, dysfunctional, mad or hormonal. Female bodies are just more obviously cyclical than male bodies and have a greater range of ways of being, moving through seasons of expansion and sensitivity in the menstrual and life cycles.
  3. Eat quietly, noise sensitivity is a thing.
  4. Understand that living in a culture obsessed by youth means that your partner has to deal with both external and internal misogyny and toxic beliefs about her changing body. Be aware of ageist tropes like: ‘She looks good for her age’, or ‘Letting herself go’.
  5. When she loses her keys, don’t ask her when she last had them. If she could remember where she was, she would have gone there and found the damn keys!

Our thanks to Kate Codrington for supplying this fabulous article.